I can feel myself becoming stupid. Honest. I feel like I am going down rats and tails and down to the cellar. With lousy small brains. I wonder why. I guess I kinda missed studying, and that this 'enjoyment' that I am supposedly supposed to enjoy would be great, but somehow, things aren't that snazzy and grand anymore.

You know what I mean?

Exactly two months ago, I envision myself having endless fun and entertainment throughout my weeks and months of holiday. Skating, shopping, movie-marathoning, etc, you know, the 'typical' fun list. However, as I progress further into the hols, I realised that what I initially set out to do was actually rather retarded. Cos you see, it's hard to stick to these, and it seems like we are aimlessly having fun without any directions, and believe me, that suck so much, on some nights, I just cry myself to sleep and wonder endlessly why the hell am I wasting my time just like that. Especially since I'm one who's heavy on having directions no matter what. Ok, scoff y'all, and you can say that I'm a rather structured person, but hey, I hate last minute plans. I prefer details to vague stuff. Somehow, having a goal and vision drives me. Lots.

So anyways, I can also feel myself degrading spiritually. I mean, ever since madrasah ended last July, I felt so happy that I do not have to wake up at ungodly hours on Sundays and drag my dregs to madrasah, which is an hour away. But now, come to think about it, I actually feel a loss, like I am somewhat further from God. Ok, I know this may sound waayyy tooo religious for some, but really, believe like there is something out there, ie Your God, to protect you feels very heartening. And I haven't been able to feel all that. I mean, I still do what is obligatory, but somehow, the satisfaction just ain't there. It feels like it's just another obligation. There's no meaning, and I want that meaning to surface. Soon. Please.

Thirdly, I need to sign up for PERGAS lessons, but heck, I'm two weeks over the deadline. So I guess there goes my spiritual enlightenment aspect. I need to find more classes, and there's one really good class conducted by one of the best ustaz in Singapore, and hopefully, me and Raudhah will be able to squeeze ourselves into that class. I heard from my mum that if our desire to study is that strong, somehow God will help us find the way. And I believe in that. And I believe that this class may be the answer to my desire. Insya-Allah.

Lastly, I want a pet. Alas, my dad thinks that we are doing the animal a bad turn cos we are caging it when animals are supposed to be free. Then (and my dad is really good at this), he went into a dreamy mood, tryna preach, saying that, "Animals are born free. We are separating it from its parents and its family (to which I argued that WE are the animal's family once we adopted it), and Allah despises people who hina binatang. Let the animal live freely. Adopt no pet." Hahahahh..very funny, papa. And then, papa sounded very cynical, shoot me one of those slit-eyes (yes, he's good at that too) and said, "With the animal under your care, would it actually survive past its first day of birth?" Well, I said that I did take care of the hamster when I was in primary six. And that the thing actually lived.

I want a hamster. Haha. I miss the hamster we gave to Shahira, though I can't remember what the name was. Heh. :) :) :)

I know this is kinda last minute, but MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY BOXING DAY! Today, we shalt remember the victims of the tsunami in 2004.